A Good Goodbye

I see you, trying to catch your breath, while your heart told you the inevitable. The memories flash in your mind. Trying to make sense of the last words. The last laugh. The last smile. Their voice. Their eyes. Their presence. The way they made you feel. The way they may have held your hand. Paid you a compliment. Told you something that made you have an epiphany. You waited for them to show up, but they did not. You just knew something was wrong, but you held on to hope. That no, it won’t be today. 


The involuntary tears stream down, as you try to grasp that they are gone. Really gone. You can’t call them. Their picture probably saved on your phone. Probably an active member of a chat group. Dreams dreamt some fulfilled, others left to chance. The things you considered mundane become important. Every place they thronged, certain songs, sayings, haunt you. They bring in with them a wave of happiness. Then it dawns on you, that this ghosting is literal. In your mind this is all a dream. This isn’t real. This is something you experience in a dramatic movie. You did not sign up to play the role of bereavement in your current reality. How could this happen to you? They had their lives to look forward to. A bright future. Possibilities. 


Do you wonder what their last moments were like? Were they terrified? Were they at peace? Are they even aware that they are gone? To a place where you cannot physically reach them? Why them? Was it quick? Did they feel excruciating pain?


This feeling slowly boiling inside, you cannot put a name to it. You feel numb. Reality comes in waves as acceptance. A hard pill to swallow. There’s this lump stuck in your throat that just won’t go away. No matter how hard you try. You partially accept it. Then the following day you wake up and everything is right with the world, then reality hits you. It comes in waves and crashes down on you once more. Your goal is to try to get through the day. Your existence is that of a cliff hanger in a series. You are in the unknown, wondering how this particular story will end. 


People in your ear nudging you. Telling you to be strong. Whispering that it was God’s plan. You do not know how to respond to those comments. You wonder if they have ever experienced loss of this magnitude. Their words, though well-meaning seem empty. Nothing makes sense. You just need a moment to let the floods flow. They flow deep, you ask yourself when was, the last time you sobbed this much.


Love for the first time feels like a verb. It hits you how much you are going to miss them. A piece of your heart broke. That space will never be filled. One day, you will be determined to heal. For now, it is okay to let the tears fall to the ground. To allow room for people to hold space for you. To feel, as much as you do not want to, at your own time.


Rest in Power to all those you may have lost and may you find your path to healing.